Gutted

There are some nights that I go to my bed absolutely satisfied. Maybe I have seen lives changed, made a good decision, achieved or accomplished something, won a battle, happy with an event or ministry or just downright thankful for the amazing life I live.

But there are some days where I feel 'Where did I go wrong?", or "What happened" or "Why Lord?" Today was one of those days, unfortunately. Gotta deal with them, coz they come thick and fast sometimes!

The day started well enough. Thirteen people arrived from Cornerstone Singapore at 2am - they are here for a Missions Trip. We met at the hospital and told them, "Guys, be prepared to be challenged and maybe even shocked by what you are going to experience and see." I know it's not easy for any of us to go into a hospital where desperation lurks in every ward. Little did I know that it was me that was going to have the biggest challenge.

I helped the Prayer Team in the first room - Infants and toddlers (although sometimes you get kids, men, women .. all mixed together!) As we started to pray, a mother from teh other side of the room cried, "Doctor, Doctor" and began to cry. I went over as she picked up her wee boy and began to stroke him. "Don't go, Don't go ... mummy has a lollipop here for you!" I heard the 'death rattle' from this little boy and I knew this was serious. Within seconds, around 20 students nurses gathered round the wee boy and began to give oxygen and heart massage. The mother was hysterical. They kept on trying until the Doctor came. This big doctor came in, checked the boys heart and pulse, and said, "Patay (dead)" and then walked out!

I was stunned! The nurses began immediately to take out the drip from his lifeless hand. Everybody left, except me and the mother. I went over to her and felt such compassion. I wanted to fight for this boy. His body was still warm but his lips were blue. I began to cry out to the Lord, "Please Lord, let breath come back. Let his spirit return. Healing. Hope. Miracle." It is so hard to pray when you know the whole ward is watching you and a mother is next to you grieving for her son. But I felt I had to. I kept praying, believing.

But there was no change. No breath. I prayed for the mum and left to go and cry. I felt I should go back, so I did. The little boy was wrapped in a blanket by his mum. 'Don't be cold my son", she cried. I sat down beside her again and prayed for the life of this young boy. Nothing.

I went out again and the Ministry Team began to pray for the mum. James Aquino told me that the boy had started coughing a couple of days before and they thought it was a common cold. He was brought yesterday and they diagnosed it as Bronchitis. Within a day .. he was gone. In the morning he was given an orange lollipop ... but he never had the chance to eat it.

I felt I should at least pay her bill, as she seemed to be really poor. I found out she was so poor that it was considered a Charity Case. I wanted to give some money towards a coffin but I could not find the mum. "She's in the morgue," the chief nurse said, "Follow me!" My goodness, the last place I wanted to go was a morgue!

The 'Morgue' was just a few pieces of galvanised iron nailed together with only two walls and a roof! I found the mum sitting there alone, crying. "What would Jesus do?" I thought to myself? I picked up the baby, now almost cold, and prayed to the Lord. Nothing. I cried and handed him back to his mum. I gave my gift to help her, prayed for her and walked away. Feeling empty.

I drove to the school where we were doing a feeding programme ... but my heart wasn't in it! I was surrounded by beautiful, healthy children ... but my thoughts were with a wee boy that died of a simple illness. I was gutted.

Today, I have been really sad. Why? Why did this beautiful wee boy have to die? Why did my prayers, given so earnestly, seem to have no effect. Why do the poor suffer so much? Why?

I came home and found Josiah playing. "Thank you Lord", I prayed to myself. For his health, his personality, for his sense of humour, for his (daddy's!) good looks, for the joy he brings, for the future he has ... for the life he lives. The little boy I prayed for will never have the opportunities my son has. And yet, I remember a day when my little boy was sick with Pneumonia and the Doctor said to me, "If this medicine doesn't work, we have no more hope or options." Through prayers and a good Doctor ... he made it.

I keep wondering what that family are doing now. At the end of the day, I did what I could. I know that at those difficult moments ... we have to leave it with God. Our times ARE in his hands. It's just hard when the conclusion doesn't make sense.


I would like you to pray for another handsome wee boy I met today. His name is Angelo (above) and he has just turned 1 year old. Exactly 21 days ago he took a seizure ... and he has been in a coma ever since. He is still in hospital but is not responding pr opening his eyes. The family has no money for a CT scan or EEG scan. I was in a hurry to catch up with the Singaporeans so I had just time to pray for him and speak to his mum. PLEASE pray for this boy ... he is such a wee cutie. Pray for a miracle - that he would come out of his coma and be completely healed. That his life will IN NO WAY be affected by this seizure.

Our God always answers prayers. He doesn't always answer in the way that we want ... but he always answers.

I'm going to bed now. I am praying that tomorrow will be different.

Selah ...

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
There is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes in Your name
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
There is none like You