Drole Scottish Humour

Keith gave me a book to read yesterday and it looks so good ... and very Scottish! It is called "Tom Shields Takes the Fifth" and it is full of stories, funny pictures, anecdotes, fables and hilarious stories. Tom writes a daily column in the Sunday Herald and Daily Record. Looks great!

Here's a wee sample:

"A linguistics class in a University in Ontario, Canada. The Professor tells the class, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in the world in which a double positive can form a negative."

To which a Scots voice replies, "Aye, right."


A Glasgow father was watching over his young daughter's shoulder as she sets up an email account on the family computer. She reaches the point where she has to put in the password and the message on the screen says that it has to have at least four characters.

So, after thinking about it, she types in 'snowwhitebartsimpsonshrekwoodie'.


A woman goes her personal trainer at her gym and asks, "Can you teach me to do the splits?'
The instructor asks, "How flexible are you?"
So the eager learner tells him, "I can't make Tuesdays."


A tale from the European tie penalty shoot out at Celtic Park. As the players line up for the vital kicks, a group of Celtic fans were discussing what to shout at the Valencia players to try and put them off. One said, "We need to shout out the Spanish word for Miss".

Raising his voice he shouted out, "Does anyone know the Spanish for miss?"
From behind, someone shouted, "Senorita".

In a similar vein, a friend of mine - a lady, wife and mother - out of the blue sent me some quotes about wives. She told me to read them but but maybe they should not be put in the blog. I read them ... and decided they would be great for my blog! Just the kinda stuff I like!!

I hope you enjoy them. I must say, at this point, that none of the below apply to my wife Mary. (I better get that off my chest because she told me to write that disclaimer!)

Ok ... here they are!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous