Drole Scottish Humour

Keith gave me a book to read yesterday and it looks so good ... and very Scottish! It is called "Tom Shields Takes the Fifth" and it is full of stories, funny pictures, anecdotes, fables and hilarious stories. Tom writes a daily column in the Sunday Herald and Daily Record. Looks great!

Here's a wee sample:

"A linguistics class in a University in Ontario, Canada. The Professor tells the class, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in the world in which a double positive can form a negative."

To which a Scots voice replies, "Aye, right."


A Glasgow father was watching over his young daughter's shoulder as she sets up an email account on the family computer. She reaches the point where she has to put in the password and the message on the screen says that it has to have at least four characters.

So, after thinking about it, she types in 'snowwhitebartsimpsonshrekwoodie'.


A woman goes her personal trainer at her gym and asks, "Can you teach me to do the splits?'
The instructor asks, "How flexible are you?"
So the eager learner tells him, "I can't make Tuesdays."


A tale from the European tie penalty shoot out at Celtic Park. As the players line up for the vital kicks, a group of Celtic fans were discussing what to shout at the Valencia players to try and put them off. One said, "We need to shout out the Spanish word for Miss".

Raising his voice he shouted out, "Does anyone know the Spanish for miss?"
From behind, someone shouted, "Senorita".

In a similar vein, a friend of mine - a lady, wife and mother - out of the blue sent me some quotes about wives. She told me to read them but but maybe they should not be put in the blog. I read them ... and decided they would be great for my blog! Just the kinda stuff I like!!

I hope you enjoy them. I must say, at this point, that none of the below apply to my wife Mary. (I better get that off my chest because she told me to write that disclaimer!)

Ok ... here they are!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

Catch Up After Christmas ...

Merry Christmas ... Happy New Year ... Happy Valentines ... life moves on so quickly!

So much to blog about. So many things have happened. So many things going on. So many things to do. So many things planned. So many ...

What a great Christmas we had! The Strachan family (David, Grace, Peter & Grace Louise) from Peterhead came and visited us over Christmas. We had a wonderful time ... especially me, because David ended up preaching at all the Cornerstone special Christmas parties and events!! Weyhey! I felt like I had a week off!

Over the next week I will write blogs about:

* Our kids @ Christmas
* Christmas @ Sefton
* Street Pastors
* Singapore
* Manny Paquiao

* 2009 Plans

I have challenged all our Pastors and Leaders of Ministries here at Sefton to start up their own blogs so that the amazing things they are doing can be spread around the world. So, hopefully, you will be able to keep track of most of our Cornerstone Churches, an SBTC blog, Feeding Programme Blog, Powerhouse Blog etc. I will let you know all their website addresses after they report back to me this week. Should be great!


I want to start the year off with a bit of a laugh. Mary & I have some friends that always say the wrong word at the wrong time. And, although the word is completely out of context, it sounds so funny. Know what I mean? We all know folk like that. Anyway, I have just read a BBC article about some of the clangers that George Bush has dropped. I know he is a Christian man and that he is the President of the USA, but he is not so good at articulating what he thinks. They actually have a new word that describes the problem of poor articulation - 'Bushism'

Just read these quotes and have a giggle (no offence intended!):

"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

"I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005

"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

"We both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

"It is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." —Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

Enjoy 2009 .... and May the Lord bless you and your family.

P.s. - Little Eunice Hope has made a prefect recovery. Pastor Winston wants me to thank all who prayed for her. Thanks!

A Most Embarassing Moment!

In February last year I posted a blog in which is quite amazing. If you haven't done it before .. try it now. If you have done it before ... scroll down to find out my terribly embarrassing moment in the UK.

Here is the puzzle -

THINK OF ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 2-9

MULTIPLY THAT NUMBER BY 9

NOW, ADD THE TWO DIGITS OF YOU NUMBER TOGETHER (FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOUR NUMBER IS 34, 3+4=7)

OK, GOT A SINGLE NUMBER NOW?

SUBTRACT 5 FROM YOUR NUMBER

NOW WE CONVERT YOUR NUMBER INTO A LETTER.
A=1, B=2, Z=26 ETC.

THINK OF A COUNTRY BEGINNING WITH THAT LETTER

TAKE THE SECOND LETTER OF THAT COUNTRY AND THINK OF AN ANIMAL BEGINNING WITH THAT LETTER

THINK OF THE COLOUR OF THAT ANIMAL

DO YOU GET ...

A...

A...

A...

A...

Em ....a.....

...A GREY ELEPHANT FROM DENMARK??

Anyway, On my first weekend home I was preaching at Zion Church in Peterhead. There were tons of young people there and so I thought I would amaze them by the gray elephant thing. I even put into my PowerPoint presentation.

So I was in mid flow ... think of a number blah blah blah. At the end of the puzzle I asked "Who has a Gray Elephant from Denmark?" Very few! So I said, "I know you Peterhead folk .. a bit shy. I know that you all got a gray elephant from Denmark." Only a couple of my friends sheepishly put up their hands.

Later, In David Strachan's house, my brother Paul said, "You really blew the Denmark thing eh?" I was stunned. He said that I had forgot to include an important part - subtract 4! So all these poor people had the number 9 instead of 4, so their letter was I instead of D. So they all had green newts from India or black stallions from Israel! I was so embarrassed.

At least I can laugh about it now! So if you were there, my apologies. Hope no permanent psychological damage has occurred!

The only person that ever brings it up is a good friend Colin McLean from Cairnbulg, Scotland. He was there. But a few weeks later, I got revenge. We were watching Aberdeen play at Pittodrie and Aberdeen were awful. Colin stood up and shouted with his loudest voice, "Aberdeen ... you are a clower of showns!" Everybody heard it an laughed. So embarrassing. So next time you see Colin ask how the Clower of Showns are doing now! He said later that next time he would think about what he would shout ... but I reminded him that the worrying thing was that he did think before he shouted! Ha ha

But today, Colin sent me a new conundrum. Try it below. It is quite amazing.

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


Don't cheat by scrolling down first ... and you may need a calculator!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to Go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e. How many times You want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are **YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is !)**

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL WORK!


Mmmm... amazing eh? Send this blog to your friends and let them work it out.
And if you ever do it publicly ... make sure you don't miss out a line!

Have a great day!

Words Women USe the Most

Well, Mary isn't feeling too well and is safely tucked up in bed. Coast is clear. Time to do a blog that will bring a laugh to all men out there ... and roll the eyes of a few women. Enjoy and learn guys ....


1. Fine- this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to Keep Quiet.

2. Five Minutes - if she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have been given five minutes to watch a game before helping around the house. lol

3. Nothing - this is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead- this is a dare, not permission. Don't do IT.

5. Loud Sigh- this is actually a word but a non- verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are not getting it and wonders why she is wasting her time arguing with you about 'nothing' (refer back to No. 3 for the meaning of nothing).

6. That's Okay - this is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you would pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks- a woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say "you are welcome"

8. Whatever - is a woman's way of saying "I dont need your help!"

9. Don't worry about it, I got it- another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What is wrong?". For the woman's response refer to #3.

Happy Fathers Day!

Today is Fathers Day! The time-honoured tradition where the family will take a day to encourage, bless and thank the father of the home.

Today was really nice. Lydia came through at 5am and whispered, "Happy Fathers Day ... can I get a Yakult" all in one breath. Today, for the first time, wee Josiah came with his daddy on a preaching engagement. We dropped mummy and Lydia off at Cornerstone Santiago (because Lydia goes to Kids Church there and loves it so much she doe not want to miss it!) and Josiah, me and Pepito (Josiah's bestest friend in the Philippines and my unofficial adopted son!) headed for Cornerstone Ramon.

Well, surprise surprise. Josiah behaved great! He didn't cry for his mum once and seemed to enjoy the occasion. At the end of the service there was a 'Fathers Day' time where the kids or wives of the fathers said something really nice and then handed us a mug. Well, when my turn came, wee Josiah grabbed the mike and said, "Happy Fathers Day daddy, I love you!" I was taken aback and even more shocked when he started to sing! No, it wasn't an emotional paternal love song ... but it was from his wee heart -"One Way, Jesus"! He he. He even went really low and did the "You are the way, the truth and the Life ..." bit and started all over again! What a hoot. The folk loved it! And I was so touched.

I spoke about the Father Heart of God, and here were my points. I know there are 7, but I can assure you they were short!

1. A FATHER WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIS CHILDREN
2. SOMETIMES NO WORDS ARE NEEDED
3. THERE IS NO DAY OFF - IT'S 24/7!
4. CHILDREN TOTALLY DEPEND ON US … BUT ONLY FOR A SEASON
5. MY CHILDREN KNOW MY VOICE
6. MY DESIRE IS TO BE CLOSE TO MY CHILDREN
7. A FATHERS LOVE IS FOREVER

I thank the Lord so much for my dad and all the he has done for me. You never really understand the sacrifices and pain that your father goes through until you yourself are a father! Even now, my dad is so important to me and I know he he right behind us and what God is doing at Sefton Village. And I thank the Lord so much for that. I pray that I will be as good a dad to my children as my dad has been to me.

I remember speaking to Pastor Jim McGlade ad he said something really interesting. He said that you can only test how good your parenting skills are by how your grandkids turn out! He said that if you have spent time with your kids, brought them up in the ways of God, taught them good morals and trained them in righteousness ... then what you have put into your kids will come out in their kids! So I'm praying that not only will myself, Paul and David bring blessing for my mum and dad ... but OUR kids will also be a blessing to our family, their churches and the society they live in. Interesting ....

Well, we have a tough week ahead. Tomorrow, the new Elementary School will start as well as the new school year for the Nursery School. Also, the Bible School will start our new year. I am also preaching at the launch of our 'Feeding Programme' at Nagassican. Help ma boab! What a day!

But there is a very serious problem we have to deal with tomorrow. I cannot share any details but we would really appreciate your prayers. Right now, it is living on a roller coaster ... so many ups followed by great tests and challenges. I feel that there are great victories ahead ... but we have many battles to face on the way there.

Here are some laughs concerning fathers. Enjoy:

Letter to a Father:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Dad

My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me." One kid answered "He married my mother."

Happy Fathers Day to all you great men out there. Be blessed and bring up your kids in the ways of the Lord.

Merry Christmas!

Well, it's just turned 12 midnight here in the Philippines .... it is officially Christmas Day! The whole Philippines have been preparing for this day since way back in September 1 ... ridiculous really!

I was a bit shocked at some of the statistics I read concerning Christmas in the UK. I wasn't totally aware that it is becoming more and more of a social festival rather than a Christian celebration. I know that it has become totally commercialised and a good excuse to lose discipline, get drunk and behave pretty badly. But it seems as if people don't even know about what Christmas is all about any more.

I read a startling report in our Weekly Telegraph this week. They asked a cross section of British people four basic questions about the Christmas story. Here are the questions & results:

1. Where was Jesus born?
Can you believe that 27% of British adults surveyed could not identify Bethlehem! In fact 36% of 18-24 year olds got the wrong answer. Some said Nazareth and some said Jerusalem!

2. Who informed Mary she would have a baby called Jesus?
27% of adults said that it was the shepherds.

3. Where did Joseph, Mary and Jesus go to escape King Herod?
hardly anyone got this question right. Many said that they went to Nazareth and some even said Rome!

4. Who is the cousin of Jesus who was also born at the same time?
Over 50% had no idea.

Only 12% of all adults surveyed answered all questions correctly.


I also read some interesting UK statistics concerning Christmas:

• We consume around 10 million turkeys, 25 million Christmas puddings, 250 million pints of beer and 35 million bottles of wine in the UK at Christmas.
• 7 million children leave mince pies and a drink for Santa on Christmas Eve.
• The UK spends £20bn on Christmas with £1.6bn going on food and drink.

• Each person takes an average of 15 hours to complete his/her Christmas shopping.
• 4 million Brussels sprouts are usually purchased in the week before Christmas.
• £10 billion is the average amount borrowed across Britain at Christmas to foot the bill.
• 41% more alcohol is drunk during the Christmas holidays than the monthly UK average.
• Each person spends an average of £33 on last-minute panic purchases.
• 25% of all Christmas shopping time is spent in queues.

• And a recent survey found that one in 10 adults – around four million people – is still paying off debts run up last Christmas

• Hangovers cost the UK about £2 billion a year in lost earnings through sickness absence.
• At Christmas, higher alcohol consumption leads to a 0.4% increase in fatal poisonings for every 1% increase in sales of spirits

The post-Christmas season is traditionally busy one for Ebay, the world’s largest auction site with 168 million registered users. A survey released by the company in 2005 found that:

• Over 50% of Americans say they ‘re-gift’ presents they do not like, will not use, or do not fit.
• 11% say they have previously sold an unwanted gift online.
• Among 25-34 year olds the percentage of those who had sold unwanted gifts online rose to 22%.

In the UK, a Nielsen/Net Ratings survey found that:

• 15% of UK online shoppers planned to sell unwanted Christmas gifts online.
• A further 35% were considering it, with women more likely to do so than men

• Britons send nearly 1 billion Christmas cards every year.
• 6 million trees were bought in 2004, but only 1 in 6 were recycled, leading to an extra 9,000 tons of rubbish being dumped.
• Each year, Christmas leaves more than £1.2 billion-worth of unwanted presents in its wake.
• Nearly 2 million Britons will go abroad this Christmas, creating millions of tons of CO2 in the process.
• More than 8,000 tons of wrapping paper is used at Christmas, which the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs estimates is enough to wrap the whole island of Guernsey.
• We consume far more bottles, cans and paper at Christmas than any other time of year, with more than 3 million extra tons of waste. Our bins overflow with an extra 750 million bottles and 500 million drink cans.
• About 80,000 tons of old clothes also get thrown out every Christmas.

• Calls to suicide and depression helplines increase by 10% during the festive period
• Loneliness, stress, family problems, financial pressure all takes it toll on millions of people who hide behind a smile.

I wonder what the Lord thinks of it all? I believe His heart breaks. It wasn't meant to be this way. We have made something beautiful into a monster that now has no control. What is wrong seems right and what is right seems wrong.

I was in a little church on Sunday (see Sefton Village You Tube channel for video) and we were singing that beautiful song 'When the music fades'. I really felt the spirit if God challenge me to change the words slightly. And I leave these words as a challenge to you this Christmas:

"I'm coming back to the heart of Christmas
And it's all about you
It's all about you Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
For it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus"

Have a great day and remember to do the most important thing ... seek, find and worship the Lord!

Selah!

Where Have the Days Gone?

My goodness. Here we are again. Same old same old! Things have been ultra busy in the last few weeks with the visit of my family and now we have our World Ministries Director Dave Russon here with his wife Madeleine. We are having a great time with them ... and Lydia has really taken a shine to them - continually knocking on their door to see if they want to do something! Sweet.

Anyway, here are a few pictures and then a funny story. Hopefully, we will be having a 'normal' week next week ... although I have long since given up hope of even a normal day coming our way! In fact, an incident happened last week that really rocked us and was a horrible situation to go through. The timing of us going to Manila and then the Russons coming has been perfect. His grace IS sufficient....

Here is why our internet is a bit impossible ...

...makes BT and Scottish Power look good!

Last Sunday, we went to Victory Christian Centre in Manila and on the way out of the service I could not believe my eyes. This Filipino guy was walking out of Church with a Glasgow Celtic top on! I couldn't believe it ...

I stopped him in his tracks and asked him if he was a Celtic supporter. "Of course", was his answer. He had spent some time in Japan and was a big fan of a player called Nakamura - who plays for Celtic. Crazy world eh?

Mind you, best one ever was when I met a guy in Ghana with a Partick Thistle top (now that's something because I cannot recollect me even seeing anyone in Scotland wearing a Partick Thistle top!) Beat that!

Last up, a true story. Last week, when we were in a restaurant in Manila, wee Josiah started acting like a helicopter. His feet and hands were flapping around. After a few minutes he shouted, "I really need the toilet!". He was in his pram so I started off on our journey through the packed mall. When Josiah says that he needs the toilet, lets just say that he is at the point of no return.

So I walked fastly (or ran slowly!) all the way to the toilets. I rushed in, praying for a free cubicle. Wow, the last one was free! "Scuse me, scuse me, emergency!" I shouted as I traversed the packed toilets. I grabbed Josiah, threw him on the toilet and ... well, we JUST made it!

I was so hot as it had been a manic few minutes in the heat. Well, as I stood there like a proud father who had saved the day, Josiah singing songs as nature worked away, I heard a knock on the cubical door. And then again. Strange. Never had this before. I heard a little voice speaking, "Sir, you are in the ladies toilets!"

Aaaaggghh! I'm in the wrong toilets! I was so busy trying to get my boy to the bowl in time that I never took time to check out of I was in the right place! I got Josiah organised (took around 15 minutes!) and then I plucked up courage. "Coming out now", I shouted. Josiah was singing away as Daddy crept through the gathered throng of ladies at the mirror. I half closed my eyes and kept walking!

But I laughed all the way back to the restaurant.

What have I learned from this embarrassing experience? Well, at the end of the day, its better to be in the wrong place at the right time doing the right thing rather than being at the right place at the wrong time cleaning up an smelly mess!

Selah ...
Goodnight. Good to be back after another internet wilderness experience. Pray for our wire to be strong!

Enjoy Your Weekend ...

Well well well ... seems like us Scots can actually play football after all! After years of being 'Glorious Failures' it seems as though the tide has turned. First, our national team 'hammered' France (one of the best teams in the world) 1-0 ... home AND away, then Rangers trounced the French Champions Lyon 3-0 away and then Celtic beat the Italian/European champions AC Milan 2-1. Hey, even good old Aberdeen put out a hot Ukrainian (I think) team to go through in the UEFA cup. Well done boys .... let's hope our rugby team do as well as our footballers!

Since it is the start of the weekend, I thought I would include a few funnies that people have sent me over the last few weeks. I couldn't remember if I have blogged these before ... but if I can't remember blogging it you certainly won't remember reading it!

Enjoy ...

It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

5. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

6. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

8. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

14. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

15. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

16. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

17. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

18. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

19. The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.

20. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

22. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



P.s. - PLEASE sign our visitors book if you have not already done so. We would love to hear from you and know who the people reading our blog are! It only takes a minute ... thanks!

The Pringle Place!

Don't know why it is, but Sefton Village seems to be just as popular as Disneyland HK! Even though we are 'in the sticks' and literally hours (8) from Manila, the road to Sefton Village is always busy! We seem to have visitors, friends and family almost on a monthly basis! Our supply of Angel Delight, Salad Cream, Bisto and Tetley T-Bags never seems to diminish!

We were eating Pringles on the way up to Santiago and they have the catch phrase 'Once you pop ... you just can't stop!" And it's true! They are hard to put down after you peel back the wrapper. Claire was telling me that scientists did an actual experiment to find out why Pringles were so addictive. Well, sometimes I wonder if we should do an experiment about Sefton Village! People come ... and want to come back. And back again (with friends!) Why is Sefton so 'addictive'? Why do people always want to come here? We are in the middle of rice fields in the hottest valley in the Philippines. There are no tourist spots or nice beaches here!

Maybe you are reading this and you have been here already ... can you answer the 'Pringles' question for us???? Go on ... leave a comment for our survey!

Well, the Kerrs have arrived safe and sound and are settling into their new home, new surroundings and new lives. They have done so well. They arrived last Thursday near midnight but all of them slept well that night. And they have adjusted to the time difference with little problems. Amazing really ... but I guess that's what you call grace.

I showed them where to buy all the stuff they will need for their house and we shopped for two days solid! We managed to get 95% of what they needed so we were very tired ... but happy! We drove back up to Sefton on Sunday morning and the kids were great. It is a 7 hour drive and this time it took much longer as the people in Munoz decided to have the town fair right in the middle of the town and right in the middle of the main road! So there were tailbacks for miles. We were stuck for two and a half hours! Ah well, at least Matthew and Claire got to see the Philippines at its best! Can you imagine having a funfair right in the middle of the A92 in Scotland????? MMmmmm ... don't think so!

We arrived safe and sound on Sunday might and over the last few days they have been busy unpacking and getting organised. They have seen the great metropolis of Santiago. Keith and Anne have been great at helping out. The ex-pat community is growing ...

Next week more Brits will swell Sefton Village. My mum, dad, brother Paul and his wife Ashley, my two nephews Nathan and Aaron and my cousin's wife Monica will be arriving for a family trip to the Philippines. Mum & dad are regulars but it is the 1st time for the rest. Lydia and Josiah are totally excited about seeing their cousins here at Sefton. Every day Josiah wakes up and says, "Is Nathan and Aaron coming?"

The day they fly home we will be driving Dave and Madeliene Russon back up to Sefton. Dave is the new World Ministries Director for AoG and they have never been to Sefton. So we are looking forward to seeing them again. Two weeks after that we have Gillian Saunders from Bolton coming for a week. She is no stranger to Sefton and is a good friend. She help set up Powerhouse Kids Club here in Santiago so she will be checking out how things are going.

In December we have a short visit from Maureen and Brenda who are great friends form Cornerstone Singapore. They know Sefton Village well as they helped cover for us during our last itinerary. They are both very special and it will be good to see them again.

And then, before we know it, it will be 2008! And probably people from all over the world will (slowly) make their way to the 'Pringles Place'.